I'm having something of a rest day today, as my Sundays in Canterbury have all been to some extent since this has all kicked off. We try to get everything errandy or houseworky done on Saturday so I can chill on Sunday, which is much needed.

Having said that, I woke up this morning crying after a dream in which my brother died of Cancer (why it was Phil and not mum I don't know), which wasn't the best start to a morning ever - waking up crying really sucks :/. Thankfully the rest of the day has improved on that and I'm feeling rather more rested than I did. Roast dinner tonight. MMmmm :)

After talking briefly to mum, and in a little more detail to Phil, (and going from advice from lots of people) I've decided to stay in Canterbury for a few days. Well, sort of, anyway.

The hospital will be calling tomorrow, hopefully with some idea of what the tumour is. If it's one that needs urgent treatment then I'll head up straight away (I'm "only" an hour away, and I'm packing first thing, just in case) and take her to the hospital. She'll probably need an hour to sort herself out properly anyway. If they say that it's not Urgent (for certain values of urgent anyway) I'll stay until Wednesday, heading up for the consult on Thursday at St Georges when we'll find out for sure.

With the worst case scenareo meaning driving up tomorrow morning, I'll at least get an extra night in my own bed with my own things, and that can't be bad. That's what I keep telling myself anyway, to help deal with the irrational guilt I feel at not heading back now, or first thing tomorrow for certain.

ETA: 12/07/11 No longer filtered

Got to Mayday for the hastily arranged ENT appointment about half an hour early and were seen immediately by the doctor. I can't say I was overly impressed with his bedside manner, though it improved some way into the appointment where we reached a mutual understanding. A little more on that further in.

To start with the doctor was very brisk, and wanted to know mum's history with this problem starting from the beginning which upset and frustrated her, so I'm not sure he got a complete picture. Then without any prep time at all went to stick a camera up her nose to see what was going on up there, which completely understandably completely upset mum. She started to cry and said that she hadn't expected that - which was fair as we were just told to be there, no details more than that - and the doctor got kind of frustrated and said that he'd only been handed the case the evening before and had squeezed us into his clinic as a favour to the Neurologist that mum had seen before and was seeing lots more patients in clinic today than he had timeslots for. I guess that explains why we got seen as soon as we got there rather than at a specific time. After we understood he was rushed and he understood mum was scared and uninformed about what the appointment would involve he became much better bedside manner wise. It's a shame it took tears and stuff to get to that point.

He had a go at getting the camera up mum's left nostril, but it didn't go very far as he kept hitting something which I believe was the tumour (he got mum to have a go at blowing her nose, but the blockage didn't move at all), and the attempt looked like it hurt an awful lot (judging by the way mum gripped my hand). It went fine up the right nostril, and appeared to hurt mum much less.

He appeared rather concerned and disappeared for a bit to arrange some things, and then came back to his office to make calls to further arrange things while we were in there. It amused me to hear him sweet talking nurses in much the same way I sweet talk people when I need something.

Anyway, he'd thought that the tumour needed biopsying asap and managed to squeeze mum into his Monday morning list for a biopsy under a general anaesthetic. The rest of the time at the hospital involved heading to the day surgery ward to get pre-admitted and see an anaesthetist (though not the one who'll be doing mum tomorrow) to be checked anaesthetic wise. Was informed that the major risk is that it doesn't stop bleeding after the biopsy is taken and if that happens her nose (through which the biopsy is being taken) will be packed and she'll be sent from Mayday (in Croydon, where all the appointments so far have been, and where the biopsy will be done tomorrow) to St Georges (in Tooting) to be admitted. Really hope that won't happen, but am pondering putting a bag of jammies and washing supplies in the car tomorrow morning just in case, in the hope being prepared will ward off problems.

The follow up to the biopsy will be at St Georges, where the doctor is actually based. He told us how to get there by public transport as he explained that the parking situation (and traffic on the way) is pretty bad, even for him. It was good of him to explain the transport options but I really don't think that mum is up to public transport at the moment. She had a turn while at Mayday on Friday and needed a wheelchair to get her out to the car again. Managed to sort out alternative arrangements that don't involve public transport, thankfully. My auntie and uncle live very very close (a mile or so) to St Georges, and my auntie has worked there (and still volunteers there) so we'll be parking the car at their house and my uncle will drop us off and pick us up, avoiding, hopefully, the parking problems at the hospital without exhausting mum.

All told, it looks like we'll know by Thursday afternoon what the tumour is and some sort of prognosis. The doctor on Friday didn't tell us at all about the MRI and what it showed, though I know he had the report in mum's file, but I know that between inital diagnosis of the tumour and now she is much much worse. Her left eye is completely non-functional, the huge nosebleeds every couple of weeks have evolved into a continuous drip/dribble of blood, she's almost deaf in her left ear and eating has become more of a challenge. Almost the entirety of the left hand side of her face is numb and tingly now, and the nausea and vomiting is worse. The anaesthetist we saw on Friday suggested mum start taking the anti sick pills at night as a matter of course to hopefully ward off the worst of it.

Off to Coulsdon again soon. We have to be at the hospital for 7:30 am tomorrow, which is quite unholy. I decided I'd rather sleep at mum's and get up early than sleep here and get up in what is essentially the middle of the night and drive there then. I think tomorrow will be quite long enough without starting at 4am. All the same, leaving here for Coulsdon is getting harder each week, though I'm not sure whether it's because I'm eating into my mood/spoons reserves each time I spend a week there, or because the situation is getting harder in itself.

ETA: 12/07/11 No longer filtered

It's been a bad day for both mum and me today. She's had the nausea and vomiting and lack of energy that she's been getting frequently from what we now know is the tumour (though I don't know if it's the Primary, the Secondary or both making her like that), so she's spent most of the day asleep (and getting the sweats from the tramadol which the hospital gave her for the pain, which is just the crown on feeling crappy anyway, I would imagine).

On top of that, the hospital have yet to call and tell us when the MRI is going to be, so there's a fair bit of sitting around twiddling thumbs and I'm really struggling with that. When mum's downstairs, as she is a lot, because it's easier for her to breathe and whatnot when sitting in a comfy chair down there than in bed up here, she has the tv on to what she wants, and has the volume up fairly loud, so as a general rule I'm happier elsewhere. In addition, I want my own space very much and so because of all of these factors I've been hiding out in my room (who'd have thought that at 26 and married I would be saying that again?) most of today. I ache from sitting on a bed or a floor all day.

It's also Monday, so I'm furthest away from being home again, and even though it's a short week as far as being away from Ben is concerned, I miss him, and it feels like a very long time before I see him again. I miss our flat, I miss our gerbils, I miss home cooking, I miss our companionable silences.

I'm sorry for the whining, I truly am. I'm very low, mood-wise right now and I just need to vent before it gets too much.

On the upside, I did the computery part of a tesco order for mum (she told me what was needed and I did the typing and ordering of the things), so at least one good thing has been achieved today. And I just remembered that I also called about postal voting, so I suppose that's two. And hopefully tomorrow will be better.

ETA: 12/07/11 No longer filtered

I suppose, really, that I should have taken photos of each stage of this, because it was a mammoth undertaking. I didn't though, so you'll all have to put up with boring old text :)

When we first moved in to our flat, Ben's parents very kindly gave us an old sofa of theirs. It was leather and a little worn, but basically sound, very comfy and, most importantly as we had no money after buying essentials like a fridge freezer, was free.

Cut to four and a half years later, and the sofa was rather a lot worse for wear. The leather had cracked in the seats, and so was held together from the inside with duct tape. One of the struts had gone, so it was saggy and the lining under the cushions had split open so stuff kept falling right down. Basically it was on borrowed time before it completely disintegrated and we knew it.

With that in mind, we went Sofa shopping, and after much deliberation, we found one we liked at Harveys (the three seater "Clarissa") and having measured our hall, our old sofa and the new one, we were certain we could fit it in. The dimensions were all within a couple of centimetres. So we ordered it, we paid for it and we waited 4-6 weeks for it to be delivered.

And right now I'm so unbelievably pissed off because I finished writing this, only to lose it because LJ logged me out and I'm an idiot who didn't copy paste it before logging back in so LJ *helpfully* restored the last saved draft which involved losing over three quarters of what I had already written. So the rest of this is a rewrite of what I've already done once and my heart isn't really in it.

So four to six weeks later we moved everything in the flat around so that we could fit the new sofa in. This was no mean feat, because our flat has been full to bursting for the last two years or so and we've just been coming up with ever more inventive ways to fit things in. This particular moving of stuff involved taking everything out of the hall - two bookcases full of books, computers and assorted internet paraphernalia, coats and shoes, printer, ironing board and clothes horse, fan... No, our hall is not some sort of Tardis, just very packed ;) It also involved moving two bookcases full of books and another two cd racks from the living room so that the doorway was clear. For the record, 3 of the bookcases ended up in the bedroom where they now form a sort of library ;) The CD towers are still there as well. The layout made enough sense that we decided not to move the stuff back.

Anyway, after lots of hard work to clear a path, we then had to get the old sofa out (which we did and put it safely in the garage for a couple of days) so we could get the new one in. I arranged for it to be picked up by the Council, who did so on the morning of our next rubbish collection, which was handily on the morning the new sofa was being delivered. I think that by the title, and this statement, most of you can guess that what happened next was not straightforward. Really I should have known better than to arrange for our old sofa to go before we had the new one safe and sound in our living room. Alas. I am an idiot who bites her thumb at the fates ;)

The sofa delivery men arrived about an hour or so after the council men had come to get the old sofa. They came up to see what obstacles were in their way and the first and clearly senior man declared that the new sofa would not fit. We had measured everything and were convinced he was wrong, so he brought up the sofa to prove it. And he was right. We had the sofa men try getting it in several ways. We tried getting it in several ways. There was no getting around the fact that this shiny new sofa just would not fit. The problem lay in two places. First, we have a funny corner you have to get around to get into the living room, and this prevented us lying it down horizontally and sliding it through the door that way, and it was too high to get in vertically. Secondly, although this sofa was more or less the same size as the old one the edges are all hard, whereas they were squishy on the old one, so they squished to get round awkward things. There was literally no more than 2cm between us and the sofa getting through the door into the space where it would certainly fit.

The delivery men suggested two possible solutions. Option A involved them leaving the sofa with us and (they suggested) swapping our bedroom with our living room. Ben and I quickly realised that that plan was a no-go for a number of reasons. Option B was that they took the sofa with them back to Harveys. Option B was at this point looking the most palatable, so Ben called Harveys to see what they could offer us if we chose to do that. I say he called - he had to, because I was having a freak out (hysterical tears) by this point, convinced that it was all my fault because I'd taken the initial measurements, and that I could never have nice things and I never would again because I'd messed the sofa business up so badly. I think that this is probably an example of what my old Mental Health Nurse would have called "Catastrophic Thinking".

Anyway, Ben called Harveys and they told us they could give us 50% of what we paid for the sofa if we returned it because making it fit was our responsibility and if it didn't they weren't actually obliged to give us anything. They said that they would then take a £50 charge out of the store credit to cover the cost of bringing the sofa back from our flat, where it was currently vertical on one end in the hall, and then when we picked a new sofa they'd take another £50 for delivering a new one. Basically, when all was said and done, we were looking at getting nothing back and essentially losing all the money that we had paid for the perfectly good sofa in our hall.

After this call, we decided to pick Option C, which was to keep the thing and figure out something. And Ben had the beginnings of a Very Cunning Plan.

The shiny Sofa sat in our hall for the best part of a week while Ben gathered his plans and tools. This involved borrowing a Jigsaw (the power tool, not the puzzle) from dmc, buying lots of supplies from toolstation, and an electric screwdriver from B&Q. Finally, his plan was ready to be put in to action, and to be honest, it scared me rather a lot, but I'd been sitting on a beanbag whenever I was in the living room for the best part of week by this time and ready for drastic action that could have ended with severed fingers.

It turns out that the new sofa basically has a box made of MDF or chipboard or something at each end where the arms are, which aren't structural. So Ben picked the staples out of the fabric at the bottom of the sofa at one end, which was pretty difficult because the staples are cheap and kept breaking, then peeled the fabric back ([Edit] Ben says this staple remover deserves an honourable mention in this story. Possibly because he couldn't have managed the staples without it. Anyway, if you need a staple remover, that one is awesome, apparently).

Next he used the jigsaw to cut the box about half way down (this was higher than Ben is tall, and where the plan could have ended with severed fingers as he was jigsawing above his head, and possibly the scariest thing I have ever witnessed), we slid it into the living room as it now fitted under the door easily being about half a foot shorter than it had been previously and then Ben put the end back together with mending plates. It took forever. There is literally barely a millimetre of the join that is not covered by one mending plate or another. After this was done, he pulled the fabric back over the end and stapled it down again. Apart from the alarming creaking noise it made the first time it was sat on, it's not moved or made a noise since, and we've now been using it for 4 months or so. Ben thinks it may be stronger now with all the mending plates than it was before.

Regardless, it's now in, and not being moved again until we move. What we'll do then, I don't know. Possibly the procedure in reverse, or maybe leaving it for the removal company to try and get it out while scratching our heads and sounding bewildered that it doesn't fit given it went in.

I tell this story largely as a cautionary tale to anyone even considering new furniture. Measure, measure, measure. And that there is usually a Plan C, even were one doesn't appear to be readily available.


The sofa in situ

When I lost this entry, I got a case of the fuckits and considered giving up. I went and washed up instead and I'm glad I re-wrote it. I got into the swing again, and I think it was worth it.

Firstly I feel I should mention the US election. Yay! Obama won! :D I wanted him to win, and have thrown aside my cynicism for now to become really excited by a politician. A terribly important milestone too - the first black president of the USA :D I hope he could be like Kennedy for my generation. Except for the sleaze. And the Assassination. Definitely don't want those bits. So maybe not like Kennedy, maybe more like staying as awesome as he seems now when he's actually President.

The less said about Prop8 in Cali and an organisation I was formerly a member of, the better.

Now that's out of the way, two rather important milestones happened to me today.

I. I turned 25 sometime around midday today. I suppose I'm now officially on the wrong side of 25 now ;) . I have had a lovely day, and got some lovely presents and cards. Huge thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy birthday so far :) (Various on irc, some via text, alisondh and malmo58 on lj, and a couple via facebook). Thank you all - they were really appreciated.

II. My final appointment with Nikki the Mental Health nurse was today, and we talked over some stuff about keeping well, dealing with triggers, preventing relapse and what to be aware of in terms of signs that I might be relapsing. Also lots of stuff about rebuilding trust in myself and my wellness, so one bad day doesn't panic me or those close to me. I'm told this is pretty much the last thing that comes back. I'm feeling pretty positive tonight at least, and I'll be happy if I maintain this level of okayness for a year. If I do, then comes the Big Scary of coming off the pills. But that's in the future. I want to use this space now to thank everyone who has supported me over the last 18 months or so. I couldn't have done it without you guys, whether you are aware of having helped or not. Now the Black Dog is banished to his Kennel. I hope he stays there.

So for tonight I'm celebrating two huge milestones for me - being 25 and being discharged from the Mental Health team. Yay! Come celebrate with me :D Drinks on someone else!

I've been struggling again for a while (thank you to everyone who has put up with it), especially when it comes to i. getting to sleep and ii. staying asleep. That's had a knock on effect with my moods (which had more or less plateaued at less than ideal). The conclusion come to today by Nikki and Dr K was that I was only being partially medicated by the Citalopram, so over the next week I'm being weaned off the Citalopram with a view to starting my new prescriptions - Mirtazapine, which apparently has some stuff in it that makes one drowsy, so I'm to take it at night and it will hopefully help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately "weight gain" is a major side effect. Worried I'll turn into (more of) a whale now! Hopefully though it will medicate me properly and I will stop plateauing and start getting properly well again.

A warning to those of you who have a lot to do with me. The dr told me that while the meds are switching and whatnot I'll probably have a fairly big dip, so I'm going to apologise in advance for anything I say or do while low, and if I don't get out very much in the next few weeks.

Anyone reading have any experiences with Mirtazapine and can tell me about it?

Most of you know I was ill a couple of years ago with depression and since then I continue to have "down" periods which are worse than the downs I had before I was ill.

I had one tonight. I felt really pants to the point where I couldn't do anything except stand and stare at a point on the wall.

Ben forced me off to have a hot bath with my book, which I did. While I was doing that he fixed the bed (long story) and now I am curled up with my lappy and some candles lit with hot food on the way, still not feeling great, but feeling better than I was.

Sometimes it's the little things.

Here we go again?.

In other news, it's been a very up and down week from the POV of my recovery from depression but am on the Up again now I think. In terms of things happening it's actually been a very good week.

I have a place to gain experience to support my PGCE application at Community College Whitstable where my lovely employer Sue works in the Science Department. It seems like a really good school and they were really super helpful. I'm getting experience in the classroom (as a teacher's help or assistant or something), doing paperwork (making and photocopying worksheets etc) and observing other teachers (the deputy head is going to teach me how to observe teachers, something that I will apparetly learn for my PGCE anyway).

It all sounds really cool :D So, pending a clear police check (which was sent off on Thursday when I was at the school for an interview) I should be cleared to start this straight after half term. It was worth getting dolled up in a trouser suit and feeling like a bit(read "lot") of an idiot (even though Ben and Miles said I looked lovely/nice/whatever) after all it would appear.

Other excitement is that on March 7th I should be going on a Fun History Trip(TM) to ypres. I'm actually really excited :D Sounds like it will be excellent (if rather tiring and probably wet). I've been before in year 9 of High School but I know so much more now. I will take my camera and take pictures this time too.

OOh, compsoc stuff finally starting to come together :) Not too much longer now, we promise :)

I think that's about it for stuff I was going to say...

SO..as of Yesterday I am now

21

O.o

Very odd. Am now *old* ;)

Firstly I would like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday on IRC, LiveJournal, in Person, with cards etc. They were all muchos appreciated :D I got lots and lots of cava, and other such nice things. Got a beautiful necklace from my mummy, chosen with the help of metamoof. The stones are (left to right, top to bottom) Peridote, Iolite, Blue Topaz, Garnet, Perl, Amethyst, Citrine, Iolite and Blue Topaz. From my brother I got some beautiful blue topaz earrings (again brought in Spain and transported to the UK by the everlovely metamoof), and lots and lots of cava from various people (J and Beffan) :D. Ben brought me a ticket to see the barenaked ladies in London on the first weekend in december and a usb christmas tree O.o From foo and rah I got some excellent little presents (4 - one a day till my birthday). I got a flannel that expands on contact with water, a little refillable sqishy shower gel thing, bath confetti and a cat soap that grows fur! I also recieved the traditional gift of money from quite a few rellies. I have decided that, despite my yucky financial situation to keep the money for me this year. It's my 21st and I want to have things for me. I know this is reckless given my lack of funds (slightly lifted now - loan was finally paid in Thursday) but I will only ever have one 21st Birthday, so I am going to be selfish.

I have roughly £120 and am leaning towards a new piece of computer hardware and some books. What I'm thinking about getting is a fairly cheap (less than £60) DVD writer. Then the rest of the money can go on books. MMmmm Shiny. Reccommendations and opinions re. DVD writers appreciated :)

Birthday stuff spread out over the weekend, which was weird and left Sunday (my actual birthday) feeling rather anticlimatic, but I still had a nice time. Friday was all you can eat at cafe de china. Was lovely. Pork Dumplings are *excellent* :D Saturday was lunch at fish and chip place in Whitstable then Fireworks at tyler hill (sooooo cool :D) and soup back at mine afterwards. I even got a birthday message over the PA at the fireworks (the kids wouldn't stop talking about it this morning ;)) I also went on teacups :D Yesterday ben and I had lunch at the Jackdaw in Denton again, followed by a to Kent International Airport at Manston (a former RAF base) which feels seedy (like an airport in the middle of nowhere in the US which recieves one flight a day ;)), has no road signs pointing to the places you need to know about and charges you 60p for a small chocolate bar. The only upside is that we didn't get charged for parking (machines were being spacky). We got a beffan who had been staying with Moof and had much laughs and had a macdonalds dinner. A busy, fun weekend :)

In other news I've taken up knitting again (those who have known me for a while know I go through this phase once every couple of years and do it badly before getting bored and dropping it after two weeks). Things are going better and for the time being I'm trying to make a scarf. Knitting is good anti-irc therapy cos it keeps my fingers busy and not missing a keyboard.

I also have chosen the pattern for my bridesmaids dresses (thanks to rahslowe). Now I just need to order it. Found out I cant sing in choir concert this term cos it's teh same day as Ben and Claire's wedding. I love singing but I'd much rather be at the Tanner's special day.

For of those of you who know about last year and are wondering about my mental health I'm still quite up and down - more up than down now, but I still have some bad days, usually triggered by a situation I can't deal with. Ben is very supportive and I'm definately beating this thing. One of my worst problems now is getting frustrated with myself that I'm not completely better now, I thought it would just go away when I was removed from the situation, which is not the case as those of you who have been ill with this will testify to. At least now I'm mostly up and hopefully with the help of my councellor I will beat it for good soon :)

Busy week coming up - two essays to research and write, a letter to write about volunteering in sue's school and I'm sure there's other stuff I meant to do. There are certainly some difficult decisions coming up. We'll just have to see what happens.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......splat?

[edit] This would appear to have been a proper update o.o

Congratulations! You have St. Anthony's Fire! Today
known Ergotism, this illness is caught
through ingestion of a fungal infection of grain,
usually rye. If you are not already, you
soom are going to be suffering from dizziness,
hallucinations, and a sensation of burning in
the limbs, thus giving the disease its name. It
could result in gangrene. The good news: there
is a 60% chance you will survive it! The bad
news? You will wish you had not. You will have
lingering symptoms for the rest of your life,
including mental impairment and being more
susceptible to it in the future rather than
having immunity. You probably live in a rural
town undergoing a very wet winter to have
caught this skin-reddening sickness.


Which Medieval Plague Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news, I've been better. Generally those who need to know, know why. I'll pull up evetually and it's hardly worth going into the reasons because the last thing I need at the moment is for things to get worse.

Dr Ormrod said I should do another project. Bah :|

Need to do chores today. Off I go to do those... ------> :P

New piccies up on my website - here for the few of the foorah party and here for Goole's river.

Had nice talk with Pete yesterday cos he came to work with me and that was very jibbly :)

Muddle of emotions at the moment. Small things can seem huge and set me off or not. Recovery sometimes as hard as being ill :| Therefore not going to go in to stuff here, needless to say I'm greatful for ben and foo and rah and all the rest of my friends for putting up with me.

..but today I was absolutely fuming. Livid or Furious are good words to describe the state I was in, and thinking about it logically I can't even work out why I was so very very angry over this incident.

Today I had my Museum and Heratage seminar thingy and there's a clique of three people who always sit together in the seminar and talk half way through. I don't like them and they strike me as unpleasent in not what they say, but how they say it. At the end of the seminar (which was quite dull in itself) Dr Ormrod was trying to work out who would do a group presentation on which subject. I volunteered right at the beginning to do the one for next week but noone volunteered to help and so I assumed one of the duds who never turns up would be assigned to me, which was bad enough. Anyway, the clique who had been talking very loudly in their corner lost the tussel for the presentation they wanted and immediately expressed interest in mine. Dr Ormrod said only two of the three could do it with me because of the number in the group as a whole. To be honest I was a bit angry already because they didn't want the presentation until most other options had been removed from them. Then I went to exchange email addys to find the other person telling me that *She* had to be in our group becasue the only things left were in the last two weeks and she couldn't do those cos she wouldn't be here. So for this presentation which counts for 20% of my final marks I will be dictated to by a clique of people I don't like and who clearly don't like me and it will all get screwed up. There are four doing a three people (max) presentation and Dr Ormrod doesn't even know. I know my personality isn't strong enough to assert my views and *win* any struggle ahead.

I'm angry. Less angry than I was, but that only means I don't want to really properly hurt people any more. I'm slowly calming down. I scared myself with how angry I was. *growl*

I just don't know what to do :(

Katherine Jaxteran - The Guardian Angel
Once a great millitary leader, you have found
yourself discovering some truth in you and see
things with a unique perspective. You are a
Progenitor, but prefer to follow your Empathic
nature rather than your raw manipluation. You
are now a pacifist, a natural diplomat, who is
loved by your friends and enemies like, but you
have a sad heart, of being lonely in a world of
chaos. You are the healer.

Millitary Division - Navy.
Millitary Department - Command.
Weapon of Choice - Mind.

Strength - 3.
Dexterity - 7.
Intelligence - 9.
Wisdom - 10.
Honour - 10.
Soul - 10.


What Felexian Hero are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news I think I'm coming down with freshers flu - in my case this takes the form of a nasty barking tickly cough that makes my chest hurt.

My diss marks are supposed to be in my college pidgeon hole sometime today so I'm feeling a bit sick about that.

Having a down day in general today - part of a bad week cos of various stuff. Don't mean to be cryptic but it's not stuff I can really talk about.

Keeping busy trying to sort CompSoc stuff and doing prelim reading.

Tom saw the name "milton keynes" this morning and asked if that was the famous amusement park *grin*

Um...that's it ;)

Well I'm in the Library starting off a new Uni year (for me) in traditional style with procrastination from my reccommended reading.

So..um..what is going on with me I hear you ask.

Not a lot is the answer (now you see why I've not updated for a while ;))

I finished work at Andrew Reeves (the posh Belgravia estate agents) tho my last day was slightly marred by the people at Victoria trying to give me a penalty fare. I got on the train without a valid ticket cos otherwise I would have missed my train, fully intending to pay when I got to Victoria. When I got there and went to pay for my return ticket I got pulled to one side and treated like a criminal cos it's (apparently, tho I didn't know this) an offense to get on a train without a ticket if the ticket office is open. SO they said I needed to pay a penalty fare even though I tried to explain I would have missed my train and been late for work. They just carried on saying I'd need to pay the penalty fare and it got too much and I started to cry. The guy looked at me like I was putting it on...and then to cap the indignity I started to hyperventalate big time. My head started to tingle and I couldn't stand up so I sat down and all teh time he's watching me like I'm faking it. Eventually the two ticket barrier guys come over and ask me what's up and I try to tell them while not being able to breathe and one of them brings me some water (which I nearly choked on cos my breathing was so irregular by this point) and they argued with the Penalty Fare guy about it and eventually let me ppay just for my return ticket. Evetually, when I was sufficiently calm to stand again I started to go and the Penalty Fare guy looks at me, glares and says "that won't work again you know". Like I was doing it on purpose >.< I can think of better places to make myself look undignified, stupid and immature...

Beffan met me from work that day tho, so things started to improve :) We scandalised the carrage of our train with our talk ;)

Anyway, I saw Phantom of the Opera on Monday evening and it was absolutely magnificent. At the end I felt so sorry for the Phantom. I didn't have a great view from the balcony so I want to go again and sit in the stalls. Still, it took my breath away. It was brilliant.

Les Miserables was Tuesday's show and that was even better than Phantom, and very different. I saw this one from the stalls and had a wonderful view, and at the end the show had a standing Ovation. I didn't like the Older Cosette, but JVJ and Javert were great and Marius...*happy sigh* It made me cry more than once. It was overwhelming.

Came back to canterbury on Saturday and left behind a whole shedload of stuff :o(

Beffan is staying ATM and that is great :D

Rah cooked a lovely roast beef dinner yesterday which was *YUMYUM* :D and today is her 1st wedding anniversary - the weather a year ago today was much much nicer ;)

Speaking of weddings, ben and I have talked to the Vicar who will marry us on Friday and booked the wedding for the 3rd September 2005 at 3pm. The most complicated question of the whole thing for me was "Are you baptised" which ellicited the response "yes, no, possibly, not sure, maybe?" (see my history as a mormon for further explanation ;))

Mum found something to stop herself getting bored over the weekend - taking piccies of piccies and putting them up on her site. These include baby pics of me and pill, which is the reason the link will *NOT* be included here ;)

Ben and I watched Battle of Britain yesterday - top film :D

Umm...I'm sure there's other stuff I ment to include and forgot, in which case I may add it later :)

( obligatory LJ quiz )

I've been up and down like a boat on stormy seas.

Now...Just about to go to town with ben and Phil to have a beanos breakfast and plot secret plans and clever tricks.

Off I go... zoooooooooooooom <-- like that.

I went to the doctor's today and had a good appt. Booked in again for a couplea weeks time, just before I go home for easter. She's a nice doctor and I'm glad I went even if I didn't want to before hand.

Am on the up now, my mood climbing a bit at a time. Had a bad afternoon yesterday. Had been really bouncy in the morning then at lunchtime I started spiralling down and didn't pull out of it till very late.

Yesterday as a whole was actually a good day, despite the mood spiral. I was pleased with myself for being able to write a 3000 word essay with IRC in the background and cos Sue was off sick I had a chance to talk to and play with paul which is always good cos whne he's in a good mood he cheers me up. Yesterday he was telling me about trees and how cutting them down killed them and doing all the actions and things nad tho I could only understand half the stuff he said (he's only 3) it was still great fun. He also said he liked me :)

I had a very positive meeting about my Speical Subject in Rutherford Upper Senior Common Room which is a really nice room and recognisable as the place where my UCAS stuff took place ;) It's got a beautiful view cos its at the very top of the building and am now getting quite excited about the course.

There are more Guys than Girls (not surprising for a topic that's partly military history, but I can tell by the way that at least one of them speaks to me that he is sexist... or at least looks down on me *git*) but still should be cool.

Have option of a 6000 word diss instead of the primary evidence paper which sounds good and if I do that together with te other modules I'm planning to do I should only have one exam next year. He says if we don't egt it done on time we won't be penalised, just reregistered for the exam instead. We will be having a trip to Ypres and also to the IWM and NAM. I've been to all these places before but they're great so I'm looking forward to going again and seeing them from a different perspective.

Ben and I had a nice cuddle together and he forced me to go out tho I didn't want to and that was good for me cos it started to help me pull out of how I was feeling. Foo and rah cooked nice meal of spag bol type things (tho too many carrots) and then crumpets and chocolate spread for afters (inspired by Paul's breakfast ;))

Went to bed as soon as got in...was very very tired and as a consequence got 10 and a half hours sleep or so. As a consequence of that I woke up on my own at 5:30 and got to doze for 30 mins or so which was a nice luxury. Was out of the house on time and did the hill all in one go which made me feel both tired and accomplished and even had time to photograph some frogspawn ben and I noticed a few days ago and have been watching develop. Can't wait till they hatch and become tadpoles. I want even more to see them as frogs cos I like frogs - they remind me of my pet frog Roger from when I was 8 :)

Like I said yesterday morning I've been having a nice run of it atm...

( Saturday )

( Sunday )

( Monday )

( Tuesday and Today )

Anyway...that's just about it I think. Still have minor blips but nothing major since sunday. *crosses fingers*

Ben just gone. Today sucked horribly. It started bad and I just spiralled down. I hit bottom at 1:30ish adn slowly crawled out of my hole again. Ben had afternoon off and I spent most of it in the most atrocious mood.

Got back and jibbled some...ended up falling asleep and napping most of the evening.

So on ben's afternoon off which was supposed to be so nice I was i. horrible to be with and ii. asleep.

Nice going Elizabeth.

He so diserves someone better than me >.

Bad morning. Was late for work. Didn't have time for breakfast and am barely awake and functioning. Ellie not well so can't meet today.

Bah bah bah >.

Today was really a mix of ups and downs and am feeling quite bouncy right now which is nice :)

Work was average and having dropped the kids at school I met ben and we went in together the rest of the way. I sat in his office for a bit then on a PPC for a bit. Rah came online and we chatted online for a bit, then met up and went to mungoes and talked some more which was all really jibbly. Added point one for today to my little book of positives which my doctor asked me to keep. Talking to rah made me feel happy.

I had lunch with her and foo and ben and that was nice. Got work done in afternoon then off to work where I started to suffer a mood drop which got steadily worse as the afternoon went on. I channeled it into something vaguely productive late evening then went and had snacks with ben (and made by the same :))

He went off on bus to town for beer and currage and I walked with him as far as eliot. Then I sat moaning cos I didn't want to go to choir for half an hour. But good things came of it.

I met Ellie.

She sat next to me totally by chance and wasn't feeling very well. We got talking and I said I nearly hadn't come to choir. You know what she said. She said she was glad I had. I put that in my book cos it made me happy and we got talking. SHe;s recovering from an eating disorder and suffers from anxiety and talking was really good. I'm giving her the .oggs of the mass in c tomorrow and we're going to have coffee at 11am and meet up before the concert on saturday. She's lovely and talking to her really helped. Almost enjoyed choir - first in a while.

Came back down the hill. Jibbled with claire and rah. Claire went to cook cakes for the SU and Rah and I had kudos, then heard foo was on way back so made up the ultimate scrabble game of doom in which we used all the letters available. Basically we made up the longest highest scoring words we could and pretended it had been a proper game to wind foo up. Foo wasn't wound up but that made me happy as well.

Now I'm tired and I want ben and my mood is starting to dip again.

So I will go to bed.

Cos it's 12:30 ;)

Well I heard from Laura for the first time in months yesterday, which was cool. Suffered mood drop which wasn't. Watched A Diary for Timothy which wasn't as boring as it could have been and was only 40 mins long. At pasta pie from sainsburies which was yummy, watched coupling and curled up with ben for a bit which was jibbly. Stayed the night and woke up feeling more positive.

Went to doctors today cos mood crashes were worrying some people and it turns out I'm suffering from depression. Saw lovely doctor, so wasn't as scary as it could have been. Am glad I went. Feel a bit better for it.

Think I will go see MRP...need to book appt. tomorrow I think...