Filtered: Not okay

[lizziec]

I think it's a reflex among pretty much everyone who talks to other people. When someone asks you how you are, unless you know someone very well or are particularly good at sharing, the default response is "ok" or "fine". Especially because when people ask "how are you?" it's more a social reflex than a genuine desire to know how you are, because more often than not the asker doesn't really want the full answer to the question because usually the answer is more complicated and messy than anyone really wants to get into in what is essentially a superficial social interaction.

In any case, my default reaction is to say "ok" and move on. I did it tonight when someone on IRC asked me how I was. I've been feeling a bit guilty since then because the truth is I'm not okay. I'm not crumbled into a little bits. I'm functioning and working and that in itself is a good thing. But right now I'm quite a long way from okay. I'm very much hoping that when the first anniversary of mum's death passes in two weeks that I'll start to be ok again. Given I started to be not ok just before mum's birthday and Mothering Sunday (about three weeks ago) it surely has to be that. I'm hoping it will go away soon. But right now, honestly? I'm not okay.

ETA: 23/08/11 no longer filtered

Comments

[barakta]

Sorry to hear you're not ok. I think from friends whose mums have died many find the anniversary a very hard time compared to the rest of most-of-the-time if that makes sense.

This is the first year which almost certainly has to be hard cos you don't have the benefit of having lived through one year of it already.

I think it's ok to not cope, if you can "manage" the not coping i.e pull out of stuff before you crash all the better. I'll bear fragile in mind and try and treat you the same as usual but with extra added good thoughts.

Do use your support people, you're usually good in my experience at knowing what people can and can't give and people would usually want to be supportive than have you struggle alone. Conversely I realise in some ways it will always be something you experience alone per se cos you're unique and even Phil won't have your lived experience and feel exactly as you do.

I hope it passes soon and you're able to do much lovely things for yourself and self care and anything else you need.

[alisondh.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Lizzie. (I know that it doesn't help when people say that either.) There are always ups and downs, and I hope that you start to feel better again soon.

[red-pill.livejournal.com]

*hugs

im always about if you need to talk. sorry ive not been around v. much. i have a bar of cholclate with your name on it

[barakta]

I send hugs to you too, I hope you're OK and if not that it passes ASAP for you too.

[violetnights.livejournal.com]

It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to say you are not also.

I've been thinking about your Mum a lot also. If one good thing has come out of this, then it's not taking my own mother for granted.

I'm very sorry, Lizzie. Big hugs, and if there's anything I can do....