mostly agnst I suppose

[lizziec]

*ponders how best to put things*
Yesterday was mostly sleep for me after mad night dash to check on friend. So I didn't really stir from warm spot in ppc room until it was time to go to Ducttape's. I thoughly enjoyed the walk to dt's place. We did some of that singing stuff and bouncing and the company was good. Had quite a nice time to begin with but then Sellars and Tiggs and Creature and Ducttape and Skel didn't know when to fucking leave off and tried to hold me down and ducttape my mouth. I'm up for most things, but I hate feeling that helpless. Some people don't *know* when to leave off. It's something I've been accused of in the past and something I'm guilty of but I know for a fact that I've never, ever made anyone feel this bad by not leaving off.

The holding down thing was the worst. When I was little...stuff happened and I can't abide feeling that powerless. That's mostly the reason I wrestled dt that first time, because she came up to me with a rope and I couldn't abide the tought of being even tied up in jest.

The fact is that after that I was feeling degraded and humiliated and vulnerable and so I tried retreating into my book world cos it's helped before tho I have to say it's been a while since I've needed to in a social gathering. It's reminded me how far I've come in just 2 years. The book world didn't help which surprised me so I retreated further and listened to my music in dt's bedroom as well as my book. Creature came to see where I wanted to eat and I pushed him away and then clarie came and tried to talk to me and I was less than civil. In fact I was downright rude to her. WHich is bad cos she wasn't even involved. I know I swore at her and for taking how I was feeling out on her I feel bad. Before she came in I'd been crying and I wasn't happy that I'd even thought about giving way to tears let alone doing it. I got more and more angry at them and then decided just to leave them to it asd they obviously didn't care and I wanted to come home. So I left. But found that creature had followed me and he kept following me. I kept telling him just to go back and leave me alone. ANd then he asked why I was so upset. So I told him. ANd then I started crying again. And I kept crying. It was horrid. And he apologised and just held me while I cried it all out. WHich was nice of him...and then I wandered for a bit with him in tow just idly talking about nothing whatsoever. And then I made the decision to go back mostly cos I wanted to face them and also cos I didn't want to ruin clarie and creature's evening.

All I remember about the rest of it was that I was very upset. And that skel did his usual anti social thing on the web for about an hour.

We wandered back and then creature sat and talked to me for about an hour and a half having not believed any of my protestations that I was all right. I'm still not all right but I suppose I'll get there. I'm still mega pissed off with most people. And now I'm skipping a sem so I can sleep so I think that's what I should do.

Comments

[skeldof.livejournal.com]

Excuse me, but Tiggs and I had NOTHING to do with it. We just had the miss fortune of being in the room at the same time

[lizziec]

NO. Tiggs helped. I know cos it was her I accidenatly kicked in the stomach. As for you, you're the only one I'm certain who knew then why it was that something like that would make me uncomfortable and as far as I'm concerned that would meake you as guilty as the rest. Just because you claim to have taken no active part doesn't mean that you are blame free.

[skeldof.livejournal.com]

Well, at that exact point in time those memories weren't with me. The only interest was in the threat that was issues, and challanged, being enacted. Listening to dt after you marched out, he also knew something of "issues", but was playing a more than active part in the bounding.

And you're right, was Tiggs who had the tape

[lizziec]

Well now you know why it made me so uncomfortable and upset. Clarie asked me earlier why I didn't just say no. The fact is at that point in time I was to preoccupied with trying just to not let it happen. It's been a long time since I felt that scared. And all I knew last night when I was angry was that people had betrayed the trust I'd put in them. I don't recall having told DT everything, it maybe that she just suspects. *shrugs* I dunno...

[phoenix-zephyr.livejournal.com]

<\sarcasm> yeah coz skel wouldnt been able to stop em <\sarcasm> (no offence skel :P) if it made you feel so uncomfortable then why didnt you say on the walk down that it'd make you feel uncomfortable? we dont know if you dont tell us :) alot of people have had bad childhood memories, the only way to keep them as just that, memories, is not to bottle it up. letting it out every now and then is good and if your friends are true friends they will be there for you and wont think any less of you. i talk from experience. well thats my two-penneth, if it made sense well thats a bonus :) *hugz*

[lizziec]

I didn't tell because I learnt a long time ago that I couldn't rely on other people, so I stopped. There are somethings that I dislike people knowing about me. And that's one.

[lizziec]

As for the bottling up thing... I recieved a talk on that from someone last night. But I can't help it y'know? ANyway, I'm sorry I threw your apology back Tiggs...like I said, I was just upset. *shrugs again then hugs Tiggs*

[phoenix-zephyr.livejournal.com]

yes i know how you feel about not trusting people, i'm the same it takes alot to trust people, a hell of a lot for me. but then as with everything its your call as to what you decided to tell or not tell people. my childhood experiences have made me stronger, the longer you dwell on something the harder it gets to simply move on. now i dont know what happened to you, nor do i ask that you tell me, just know that your friends are here for you :)

[lizziec]

I know about dwelling on things and I try not to which is one reason I like as few people to know as possible. It just happens that every so often something happens that brings it back up. Like last night. It's nice knowing that people are there for me. I guess I'll just have to try and get used to that.

[phoenix-zephyr.livejournal.com]

yes and i appologised and IIRC it was thrown back at me

[lizziec]

I'm sorry but at that time I was in a temper that would have had to have been one of the worst I've ever been in and I wasn't capable of doing anything logical like accepting an apology.