Random Thoughts - mostly ignorable and very very angsty
Thursday, May 27th, 2004 10:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lizziecI got into a tizz last night cos of all the thinking I've been doing the past week or so. Many random and not so random thoughts so bare with me.
Last night was the first night it dawned on me that I was not going home properly again. It's still very much my home. My room is still my room and it has oh so many memories - my favourite being sitting in my rocking chair with music on and a mug of Hot Chocolate and a book and a cat on the floor under the radiator , or curling up with mamma for a sleepover. Even if I'm back for all the holidays between now and my wedding it won't be the same. When I came away to uni I always worked on the assumption that I was going to go home after Uni before I start whatever carreer I decide on...but last night it sank in that I wouldn't be and I got all teary...cos I love that house and I love the occupants more and it's just plain weird that things will never be the same again. I've been engaged nearly 6 months now and can't fathom why it only occurred to me last night...
Other thoughts have been going around since this. I knew them to see. the lady walked her daughter to school and on a number of occasions only narrowly avoided being collided with by my pair. I thought about this a lot and feel so sorry for the little girls because they won't remember their parents and it's so sad. Then I started to feel all sorry for myself because daddy isn't around to see any of this - me at Uni, me engaged and not there to give me away when I get married. I don't often feel bad about the fact daddy isn't around. It's a fact of life and has been since I was eight, but every so often it gets to me and I get sad. On top of all that for the first time in a while I'm feeling drawn to the cemetary and feel like I need to go again and put flowers on his grave...maybe another picnic is called for soon. Perhaps it's the time of year. In july he'd be 57. That's just odd for me to think about. In my head he still looks like he does in those pictures taken the summer before he died. Forever stuck at 44.
Eeeep..I've rambled too long and I'm bound to upset someone with all this :(
Last night was the first night it dawned on me that I was not going home properly again. It's still very much my home. My room is still my room and it has oh so many memories - my favourite being sitting in my rocking chair with music on and a mug of Hot Chocolate and a book and a cat on the floor under the radiator , or curling up with mamma for a sleepover. Even if I'm back for all the holidays between now and my wedding it won't be the same. When I came away to uni I always worked on the assumption that I was going to go home after Uni before I start whatever carreer I decide on...but last night it sank in that I wouldn't be and I got all teary...cos I love that house and I love the occupants more and it's just plain weird that things will never be the same again. I've been engaged nearly 6 months now and can't fathom why it only occurred to me last night...
Other thoughts have been going around since this. I knew them to see. the lady walked her daughter to school and on a number of occasions only narrowly avoided being collided with by my pair. I thought about this a lot and feel so sorry for the little girls because they won't remember their parents and it's so sad. Then I started to feel all sorry for myself because daddy isn't around to see any of this - me at Uni, me engaged and not there to give me away when I get married. I don't often feel bad about the fact daddy isn't around. It's a fact of life and has been since I was eight, but every so often it gets to me and I get sad. On top of all that for the first time in a while I'm feeling drawn to the cemetary and feel like I need to go again and put flowers on his grave...maybe another picnic is called for soon. Perhaps it's the time of year. In july he'd be 57. That's just odd for me to think about. In my head he still looks like he does in those pictures taken the summer before he died. Forever stuck at 44.
Eeeep..I've rambled too long and I'm bound to upset someone with all this :(
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no subject
Date: Thu, May. 27th, 2004 10:54 am (UTC)Last night was the first night it dawned on me that I was not going home properly again
Date: Thu, May. 27th, 2004 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Thu, May. 27th, 2004 11:51 am (UTC)You still have the right to say it, and hell very little makes me teary eyed so sometimes that can be a good thing. I still remember my best friend's dad who died when she was 7, and wonder what he would think of how things are now. My friend says the hardest thing is when people avoid talking about him, as if he never existed, whereas to her sometimes mentioning him normally is the best way to have acknowledged his life and his effect on people.
As for the home thing, that is a significant adjustment thing, which takes time to realise and work through. I don't consider my mum's house home anymore, I don't even feel at home because everytime I visit my sister makes it clear to me I have no right to be there, no right to do anything and threatens to destroy/bin my stuff. I guess for me home has become Sheffield and it isn't a bad swap, I don't have tainted memories like my parent's house and I really love being far enough away to do stuff while being close enough to visit fairly often.
I believe people who die live on in our memories, both good and bad. I hope you have lots of good memories of your dad, good memories are important.
Natalya