lizziec: (Granny's garden bee)
[personal profile] lizziec
Title: Sorrows Woven with Delights
Author: [ profile] trappermcintyre
Summary: After the end of the worlds, Kara takes some time to paint and reflect
Characters: Lee, Kara, Zak
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Character death, discussion of abuse
Prompt: “Before the Cylons came - Kara and Lee's lives and the way they intersect.”
Beta Thanks: [ profile] taragel who provided inspiration, encouragement and did an awesome editing job making this fic much better than it would otherwise have been and [ profile] angelicalangie who gave vital moral support and advice.
Author Notes: With love to [ profile] lyras, I hope you enjoy it. The title comes from a quote by Francois de Malherbe – “Our days and nights have sorrows woven with delights.” Originally written for the summer fic exchange over on [ profile] pilots_presents here.

The observation deck was Kara’s favourite place on Galactica to paint. It was dark and quiet, and with the stars outside her only company, it was the one place on the ship that came close to the peace she felt when she flew a Viper. If she came late enough, after all the kissing couples had cleared out, then she could dog the hatch and ensure that she wouldn’t be bothered.

Currently she was sprawled on the floor with an enormous piece of paper beside her. Her face was covered in smears of paint, the multicoloured streaks extending into her hair where she kept running her fingers through it as she paused to think. The paper was covered completely with a dark, swirling mass of blacks and greys shot through with electric flashes of colour. The pattern appeared highly abstract and chaotic. But every individual stroke, line and colour had been intended, each having highly intimate meaning to her. Kara smiled as she added a bright violet to the paper. No one would guess to look at it that it was a portrait.


Long sweeping strokes of red, running over and under and through everything

“I told you he was a soldier...” slurred Zak as he leaned drunkenly into Kara in a brief moment of alone time, his brother having gone to the restroom to relieve himself of some of the several glasses of red wine he’d had so far. While she agreed that Lee Adama was a soldier, Kara was having trouble fitting him into a neat box. In Kara’s experience officers tended to fit into categories, but Lee was an enigma. He was smiling far too much to be one of those bastards who didn’t seem to care when his men were killed, but he spoke unhesitatingly with a surety that didn’t indicate a need to seek approval from anyone, so he wasn’t an eager beaver like his brother. Kara didn’t know enough about him to label him an ace, and that pretty much proved he wasn’t, as far as she was concerned. If Lee Adama was that good then, she would have heard about him through the fleet grapevine.


“How much have we had to drink?” Lee asked. Kara could see him squinting at the kitchen counter, his head moving gently from side to side as if he were having trouble focusing on the empty bottles for long enough to count them.

Kara giggled drunkenly at him, “Dunno.” A pause while she considered the question further, giving up when she realised the evening was getting very fuzzy at the edges. Lee was still squinting and now was moving his lips, apparently talking to himself, which just made Kara laugh more at the faces he was pulling, when suddenly he shouted proudly, “Nine bottles! There are nine bottles there!”

Kara scowled a little. If she’d been asked to put money on it she would have said that he was past the point of focusing for long enough to count. “Don’t think you’ve had enough yet Lee.”

A snore emanated from Zak, whose head was resting on the table. Kara giggled again, “He’s had enough though.”

Kara was more intoxicated than she had been in a long time, but at least she was keeping pace with Lee. No, she thought, wait. Lee is keeping pace with me. She liked a man who could keep pace with her drink for drink. Made her wonder where else he could keep up with her.

Kara tried to focus on the bottle in front of her, managing to make the duplicates disappear for just long enough that she could continue what had become the routine of the evening. Pour, drink, question, answer.

Pour – The challenge was keeping the spills to a minimum. The more spills, the less there would be to drink.

Drink – Kara swallowed, enjoying the burn as it hit her throat and the fuzzy feeling the alcohol gave her.

Question – “Is it mine or yours now, Lee?” Kara slurred, despite making a conscious effort to sound less drunk than she felt. A long pause, long enough to make her think that he was about to pass out like his lightweight brother. “Mine-,” he replied eventually, very carefully as if he too were trying to hide just how drunk he was. Even so, Kara thought, he is definitely drunker than I am. She grinned in satisfaction.

“Ok, ok, I’ve thought of one!” Lee yelled triumphantly. “What do you think about when you’re flying?”

Answer – She paused, surprised, before she answered. This was one she had never told anyone before.


Kara had never thought before that so much could be put into a handshake, but that was the most physical contact she had with Lee in the end, and it meant everything. She tried to use it to tell him everything she couldn’t say with Zak in the room, conscious. I’m sorry about the table Lee. I feel so ashamed. But when I’m with you I feel alive. You make me spark like no one else ever has. From the way he gripped her hand in return she was sure that he felt the same.


Waving orange lines

“So do you have anywhere special in mind or are we just wandering aimlessly for the hell of it?” Lee called, stopping a couple of steps behind Kara.

Kara hadn’t slept at all the previous night. She’d gotten Zak into bed and lain awake, staring at the ceiling, replaying everything in minute detail as he snored next to her. Eventually growing tired of tracing the lines in the plaster with her eyes, Kara got up, made herself a pot of coffee and watched as the sun started to rise, streaming in through the apartment windows and making everything around her turn orange in the early morning light. Making her mind up, she grabbed the phone and dialled with shaking hands. Lee answered the phone on the first ring, sounding very much like he’d been awake all night too, and agreed to meet her to clear the air.

Kara stopped and turned around to look at him. She grinned. “I know this place, near the river, it’s quiet. A good spot to talk.” Kara set off again, her pace slightly slower this time. This meeting was her idea, but now that she was here, she doubted it was a good one after all. Desperate to stall, she found herself trying to derail the conversation. “You know you never answered my last question,” – before they’d lost their minds and climbed on that table – “last night. What made you hate your father so damn much?”

Lee got that strange look on his face again. It was the same one he’d worn the previous night whenever his father was brought up. His face closed up entirely, sporting a prissy glare that wouldn’t have been out of place on a petulant teenager. “Come on Lee,” she pressed, “you have to give me an answer. Those are the rules. I’ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours.”

Lee sighed but didn’t speak again until the silence had stretched out so long that Kara felt she was ready to scream just to fill it.

“You know he left, don’t you? I mean, Zak must have told you that much.” Kara nodded and Lee went on, “my mother didn’t take it well. She’d never taken the constant moving or my father’s extended tours on battlestars easily – Gods, the mood swings – but this was different. She would just lose control, you know? Lash out. Not usually with her hands, but her words. They were targeted, each one barbed so they would sting hard.” Lee’s voice wobbled on the last words, then stopped. Another period of silence followed as he tried to collect himself. “Things were better when he was around. They weren’t always great, but they were better. Then he abandoned us, and there were times I didn’t know how much more I could take.”

Kara stared at him with wide eyes. “Zak never... he didn’t say...” she found herself trailing off lamely, at a complete loss for words.

Lee dropped down onto the grass of the meadow they had come to, looking suddenly exhausted. “Honestly, I’m not sure how aware he was of what was happening, or how much he remembers. He was so young at the time and I tried to shield him from the worst of it. No kid that age deserves to go through what was happening at home. Some days I got him up in the morning and sent him to play with friends just to get him away from our mother. If I saw she’d been drinking all day, I’d get Zak to bed as early as I could just to make sure he wasn’t around when she started sobering up. There was a year when things were awful.” Lee smiled weakly at Kara as she sat herself next to him. “Then mom gradually seemed to pull herself together. It wasn’t all at once... it was so slowly I didn’t really notice it happening. One day, I just realised that things weren’t so bad. It was almost normal at home by the time Zak was old enough to pay much attention.”

Kara was horrified. Zak was so carefree she’d had no idea what his family had been like when he was growing up. In truth, she had always assumed that the Adama boys had been rather spoiled growing up, and meeting Lee hadn’t made her think any different. Lee’s confession had put a completely different slant on the way she viewed him. He was starting to feel like a kindred spirit. Maybe Lee would understand.

Kara pulled on a long blade of grass, examining it closely before she started to pull it apart.

“My mom was like that too... except she didn’t just use words.” Kara glanced up at Lee. He was watching her carefully. “Momma was in the marines during the war. She got a medal and everything, but you know how some Vets are. They don’t come back the same. I dunno, maybe momma was scarred by everything that happened in the war, maybe she was unbalanced before, but she just wasn’t right... broke all my fingers once by slamming a door on them. That wasn’t even the worst time.”

Kara dropped the mangled piece of grass she was fiddling with and plucked out a new one, unable to keep her hands still. Lee noticed and placed a hand over hers, letting her know that he understood. That gave her the strength to divulge her worst secret. The worst day.

“I went to see momma when I graduated the academy. First officer in my family – seventeenth in my class. She was scathing, said I should have graduated higher. I was so pissed. I’d tried so hard, and I guess I hoped... I hoped that for once she might...” Kara stared off into the distance, wishing she’d never even started telling Lee this. It was too deep to be shared. Lee squeezed her hand gently, and she took a deep breath, going on before she thought too much about all the reasons she shouldn’t. “I didn’t think it could get any worse, but there was this letter on the table...” Another deep breath, steadying herself. “Momma had cancer and it was bad... it was really bad. She told me she was going to die. I tried to reach out to her because... I don’t know... Despite everything she was still my momma. But she cursed at me and threw my sympathy back at me. She told me to get out and I left. I never went back.” Kara felt her self control disappearing and forced out the rest through a cracking voice. “I think she died alone and it was my fault. Because I was too afraid of being hurt again to go back.”

Kara finally lost it, dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. She’d never told anyone about this, never cried like this. How weak I am. Lee must think I’m a complete basket case. Kara tried desperately to regain control, to stop the tears but was unable to. She kept waiting for Lee to get up and walk away in disgust, but the only movement he made was towards her, wrapping his arms around her. It just made the crying worse, but Lee just held her all the more tightly until the sobbing stopped. They sat together in silence until Kara could breathe again.


Yellow interlocking circles, each one with a different thickness to the edge

The park was only partially illuminated by the early morning sun as Kara set out on her run. She tensed as she heard a noise behind her again. She was certain someone was following her. Whoever that is, she thought, they’re going to be extremely sorry if they try anything. Breathing just behind her made her whirl around to face her stalker, body tensed ready to strike.

“Gods Lee,” Kara made a conscious effort to relax her body which wasn’t easy as the adrenaline coursing through her was making her ready to fight. “What possessed you to follow me? And why sneak up? I could have killed you just then. I thought someone was up to no good!” Kara looked him up and down, smirking finally, “Although maybe I was right about that.”

Lee grinned somewhat sheepishly. “I couldn’t sleep and I know you run early so I thought I’d join you. Nothing like a good run to wake you up and get you ready for the day, right?”

Kara groaned. “Are you always this frakking chirpy in the morning Lee? ’Cuz I swear, I can’t deal with you being a little ray of golden sunshine at this ungodly hour.”

Lee didn’t answer her, just setting off, jogging slightly ahead of where Kara stood before calling back. “Come on, Kara, get a move on!”

Kara set off after him, yelling towards his retreating back as she did so “Frak you Lee!” The only answer she heard was Lee breaking into a marching song, an old fleet favourite.

“Up all day with the rising sun,” Lee waited the requisite amount of time for a response and on receiving none, continued himself, “Gonna run all day till the running’s done...”

Breaking into a sprint to catch him up Kara headed after Lee, swearing to herself that before the run was over that she would have her revenge. No one should be that happy first thing in the morning.


“Gods Kara, we’ve already done five circuits of the park. How many do you usually do?” Lee was panting, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

In truth, five was Kara’s usual daily run, but her mind was bent on making Lee Adama suffer for his grating, early morning cheerfulness. “Come on Lee, you’ve got a reputation to keep up! You’re supposed to be a hot shot Viper pilot, start running like one!” Breaking in to a jog she called back “Two more laps!”

This time Kara was in the lead, Lee lagging a little way behind. His tired legs weren’t capable of the burst of speed he would need to fully catch her up.


Two mornings later, Kara heard a noise behind her on the track again. This time she didn’t tense as if she was expecting a fight. Instead she called out, almost pleasantly given the time of day “Come on then Lee, see if you can keep up this time!” She was surprised he’d come back, but pleased almost despite herself.

It quickly became a routine, and it was a few months before she realised that she missed him whenever he didn’t join her.


Short spiky patches of green

The grass was lush and soft beneath Kara’s feet. “Come on Lee, throw the frakking ball or get off the frakking court.”

Lee grinned maddeningly at her as he continued to line up his shot. “I’ll take my shot when I’m good and ready, not when it suits you, Kara Thrace.”

Rolling his eyes at his brother, Zak called from the edge of the field where he was stretched out, his dark hair providing an interesting contrast with the lush green of the grass he was lying on. “I told you, Kara, he thinks too much. He has no feel for Pyramid, doesn’t trust his instincts enough. I have no idea why you even considered playing some one-on-one with him.”

Lee stopped aiming the ball and straightened his stance. “Because I suggested she owed me for this lovely picnic I made...”

“Brought it at the mart you mean – the food still has the prices and wrappings on!” Zak snorted, unable to let Lee’s martyr act pass unchallenged.

“...nonetheless, I made up the picnic,” Lee continued, “and brought you to this beautiful park for a day of R and R. Like I said, she owed me!”

“Enough talk, Adama,” Kara had been laughing at the argument between the brothers but felt it was time to finish this game. “Take the frakking shot.”

Lee attempted to use her momentary lapse in concentration to throw the ball, but she blocked him.

“Not quick enough, bro,” Zak crowed, gleefully. “Hey, did Kara tell you that she nearly played Pro?”

Lee sighed, clearly wishing he’d known that before. Now he was out 20 cubits.


Kara spoke so softly it was almost a whisper, unwilling to break the spell of the evening. “That’s the reason I chose to go into the fleet,” she pointed up towards the sky. “Had this crazy idea about exploring those stars and all the other planets out there. Seemed more interesting than life on this rock.”

All three were sprawled out on the picnic blanket. Stargazing had never been a part of the plan Lee had put together for the day, but it seemed a natural extension of their afternoon once they had stayed out so late that dusk was falling. Kara shivered a little in the chill of the evening and Zak put a protective arm around her, pulling her into his side for added warmth.

“Do you miss being stationed on a Battlestar, honey?” Zak asked, kissing her head as he asked the question.

But it was Lee who answered him. “Are you kidding? Everything’s better planetside – the sleeping quarters, the food, being able to go off base when you need a break from everyone.” Lee paused, and Kara saw him glance towards her. “But there is something about being out there in the solitude of space, surrounded only by stars, that really beats being mudbound sometimes.”

Kara murmured her agreement, then they let conversation drop as they let the silence of the night settle around them, gazing up at the stars. Kara smiled in contentment. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so at peace.


Long smooth strokes of blue

“What happened? Who was it? Did they get out?” Kara demanded from a passing cadet. A huge spout of dirty black smoke was rising from the far side of the landing strip, marking the brilliant blue of the sky with a terrible scar and causing fear in the hearts of all on base who saw it. Everyone here was a flier, or worked intimately with fliers, and all of them knew that a column of smoke that huge could only mean a catastrophic crash.

Kara saw it later than most. She had been in the sims and as she came blinking out of the building into the brilliant sunlight and saw the smoke, her heart sank. Kara had grabbed the first person she saw and attempted to get the answers she needed.

“I don’t know, Sir,” came the reply. “Scuttlebutt says it’s a training flight.”

Kara tried to suppress the panic that was threatening to overwhelm her, her heart pounding in her chest and her knees nearly buckling beneath her. She was certain it was him. Her instinct told her it was Zak. Hell, her common sense told her it was him. He has no feel for flying but I passed him anyway. Kara dismissed the cadet and set off at a sprint for the flight control centre. She knew she could get answers there.

“It was Zak Adama, Lieutenant Thrace. Total failure, there was no chute. He’s dead, we found the body forty minutes ago, and made the call to headquarters to get someone to notify the family.” The major’s tone was dispassionate. He had been through this sort of thing too many times before to let himself be effected. He looked up from his clipboard, meeting Kara’s eyes. His tone lost a little of its edge. “Was he one of yours?”

“One of mine.” She nodded numbly, trying to keep her face from betraying what she was really feeling. He’d proposed yesterday. It had been so geeky and eager and sincere and completely Zak.

“We’ve opened an investigation, but I wouldn’t worry too much. You know as well as I do, Lieutenant, that this sort of thing is all too common, no matter how much training someone has done, or how many procedures we have in place. Will you be writing to the family?”

The family. Oh gods, Lee. “Y... yes...” she stuttered, “I’ll write to the family.” She gulped, rushing the rest of the words out. “I... I’ll get on that right now. Excuse me, Sir.” Kara saluted smartly and walked briskly, forcing herself not to run until she was a respectable distance from the building.


Kara’s mind was in turmoil as she made the drive to Lee’s place. Dead. Zak’s dead and it’s my fault. I have to tell Lee everything. I need to tell someone and he understands me. I need to get there before the fleet representatives.

She felt like she was in a bubble. The radio was playing some inane, cheerful crap. For everyone outside her truck, life was going on as usual. There were people laughing and talking and the worlds continued to turn. It felt so wrong, that everything could be so right for them when the bottom had fallen out of her world and left her feeling so empty.

Lee’s apartment door was slightly ajar when Kara got there, and she knew that she was too late, Lee had been notified. She could almost see it in her head. Lee would have invited them in and been incredibly proper and assured them that he was fine and they should leave. Then he would have broken.

She could hear an awful moaning coming from one of the rooms just off the main living area and she headed towards it as quickly as she dared, picking her way over a broken bottle here, a fallen lamp there, and several chairs that seemed to have been thrown in anger.

Lee was curled up on the floor next to his bed, tears streaming down his face. He was beyond the point of actively crying now and merely making an awful keening sound like a wounded animal in immense pain.

All thoughts of unburdening herself vanished. Completely frakking selfish, she thought. I killed Zak and then all I could think about was telling Lee what I did, so I would feel better. Disgusted with herself, Kara tried to put her own feelings to one side so she could do whatever it took to help him

“Lee?” she said softly, trying not to startle him as she dropped to the floor next to him and wrapped herself around him, holding him as tightly as she could to try and anchor Lee to something outside his own grief, to try and reconnect him to the worlds again. Gradually he relaxed in to her, letting himself be comforted by her presence, and she relaxed in to him, her own tears finally coming, as she sobbed out the first of her own grief. It was dark outside when they finally moved again, going only as far as Lee’s living room. Kara hunted out every bottle of liquor Lee had stashed and they drank until the sun came up.


A square of colour such a deep indigo that it is almost black

“Kara? Are you in here Kara?” A voice cut through the haze in Kara’s mind that was entirely due to the sheer amount of alcohol she had been consuming over the last five days. An insistent knocking followed, interspersed with the voice calling “Come on Kara, open the door!”

If Kara had been more sober, she may have thought twice about opening the door. In the immediate aftermath of Zak’s death, she had been so weighed down with guilt and grief that she had struggled to even get out of bed. When she had finally managed it, she’d headed straight for the bottle and hadn’t stopped drinking since.

“Gods, Kara, what have you done to yourself?” Lee cried out in shock at seeing her like that, but his voice held no judgement, just love and concern.

Kara was covered in paint, her eyes rimmed with red, and she knew she probably smelled like a sewer as she hadn’t showered since the accident. Her apartment was nearly unrecognisable. The floor was covered in broken furniture and empty bottles, broken plates and empty tins of paint. The paint itself was spread all over the walls in frenzied splashes of colour, handprints clearly visible.

“I don’t know why you’re here Lee. I’m not going to the funeral. The funeral is for family.” Her mind added all the things Kara couldn’t say out loud to the end of her speech. It’s for decent people who need to heal. It’s not for cancers like me. It’s not for the person who caused the death.

“You’re going, Kara,” Lee said, every inch the Fleet Officer. “You are family.” A look of pain crossed his face briefly, but smoothed out quickly. “I know what you and Zak had. I... I know he proposed. He told me he was going to and he was so excited. He was crazy about you and knew he wanted you to be there with him for the rest of his life.” His voice caught and he cleared it roughly. “I can’t think of anyone who should be there more.”

Lee put a protective arm around her and helped her navigate her way back down the stairs. Very matter of factly he set about getting her fit to go to the funeral. Lee stripped off his dress greys and helped her to shower, washing the paint out of her hair, patiently detangling the rat’s nest it had become.

“Here Kara, eat this. Sorry the cereal is dry, but your milk is more like cheese right now.” Lee passed her a bowl, as well as a cup of coffee in the only mug that remained intact. It was a deep indigo colour. It would be the first cup of many.

As Kara tried to force down the cereal, Lee walked around her apartment collecting any liquor bottles that still held liquid. She peered up from her bowl just in time to see Lee pour the first bottle’s worth down the sink. “Gods Lee, don’t do that. I’m sobering up. I won’t drink. Frak it, Lee, STOP IT!” she shouted.

“I’m just making sure, Kara. I need to know when I’m not here that you’ll be safe,” he practically barked the words, his back to her, his arms braced against the sink and rippling with tension. His head bowed and he let his arms relax, speaking again in a much more quiet and rough voice, “I can’t lose you too.”

They didn’t talk after that. Lee was silent as he helped her sober up, but it gave her the strength to make it through the funeral. Gave her the strength to look Carolanne Adama in the eye.


“I’m not doing this for you again, Kara,” Lee said sharply, glaring at her through the bars of the cell as the marine guard fumbled with the keys. Kara rolled her eyes as he went on, “Do you have any idea how hard it was to get the major to drop the charges?”

The door creaked open. “Not now, Lee,” Kara snapped as she stalked out of the cramped cell, barely stopping for the Sergeant-at-Arms to confirm she could leave the building.

Lee grabbed her roughly by the arm just outside the guard post. “If not now, then when?”

Kara shook herself free and started walking quickly in the direction of her apartment.

“I know, Kara,” he shouted after her. She froze in her tracks. What does he know? Lee walked towards her, speaking more softly. “When were you going to tell me about Galactica?”


“Look, Lee, I need a fresh start. I need to get away from here, because Zak is here. He’s everywhere I look. I keep expecting to see him when I even go for a cup of coffee, for frak’s sake. I can’t do this anymore.”

She started walking again, towards her new life, not stopping to look back even when she heard him call “Please Kara, just tell me, why did it have to be on Galactica? What made you decide to serve under my father?”


A violet oval blossoming from the greys at the very edge of the page

“This seems familiar.” A voice interrupted Kara’s push-ups.

Frak – he sneaked up on me just like that day in the park, except this time I don’t feel ready to punch him. How did I miss Lee’s footsteps? He’s never exactly quiet... She had been trying to make her shoulders burn to take her mind off the impending arrival of Lee Adama on board the Galactica. Kara knew he was going to be taking part in the decommissioning ceremony and she hadn’t seen him since the incident with the major. They hadn’t exactly parted after that on friendly terms. She hadn’t seen him since then. Till now.

Kara stood, wiping her hands on her trousers, hands on hips. Come out fighting. Wrong-foot him. Just don’t give him time to mention the frakking major.

This was easier than she thought it would be, but years without seeing him had made her rusty and Kara had been enjoying the rhythm they’d fallen into, and the easy banter made her forget to be on her guard. And then she’d gone and said the wrong thing.

Frak! Why did I have to bring up the funeral and his father?

Another argument. This was turning out to be just like the last time she had seen him. Same old Lee. She was already fantasising about giving him a purple bruise around an eye – and another bruise where no one would see it – and Kara was sure she could get at least one good punch in before the marine on guard would be able to intervene. She had to get rid of him before she gave in to the temptation. Speaking quietly so he would know she meant it she said “You know what? You should go. I’m getting the urge to hit another superior asshole.”

Kara watched him go and went back to her push-ups, trying to make herself think about the effort of exercise rather than her history with Lee Adama again.


A claxon sounded bringing Kara back to the present. She tensed listening for the words summoning her to her Viper, but it never came. Must be shift change. She wasn’t on duty till next shift, but now her mind was quiet and she was ready to sleep. Kara stood and stretched, gazing down at her paper. The process of painting tended to interest her more than the finished result, and there was nowhere to keep such a thing in her bunkroom anyway so she left it where it was, figuring the petty officer in charge of the deck would toss it when they did the clean up before they reopened in the morning, and headed off for a shower.


Lee’s CAP shift had been long and tedious and he needed to unwind. In need of somewhere quiet and private he found his way along to the observation deck. It was always empty at this early hour and his favourite place on the ship. He loved the feeling of being alone with the stars. As Lee walked towards the large window, something caught his eye and he realised the room wasn’t completely empty after all. There was a piece of paper on the floor.

Lee looked down at it, staring for a long minute, and then he smiled.
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September 2013

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