lizziec: (MASH - Hawkeye Trapper bromance)
Um. Hi. *waves*

So I've been gone a while and feel I owe you an explanation. Here it is.

Most of you know I've been struggling for the past year with a flare up /relapse of my depression and anxiety. In October, in an effort to help fix me, my gp had me change my meds. In order to start new ones I had to go off the old ones and that messed me up. My flare up got worse and, as usually happens when I'm fucked up mentally I found it difficult to connect with, well, anything - books, TV, writing and especially people.

Because I find connecting so spoons depleting, I tend to cut it down to a minimum, talking to only 2 or 3 people on a regular basis because that's all I can cope with.

Things are a bit better. I'm finding connecting a bit less hard. It's not exactly easy yet, but this post is me trying.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm sorry I've ignored communications from those who have tried to raise me. To use the old cliche, it's not you, it's me. I just couldn't (and still can rarely) put my self together enough to properly communicate with more than a very few. I'm going to try harder from now and I'm incredibly sorry if I've upset any of you. I never intended to.

Please don't feel you have to reply to this. It's not a cry for help or pity. It's just me attempting to explain why I've been such a flake in the last four months.

This entry was originally posted at http://lizziec.dreamwidth.org/433438.html. There are currently comment count unavailable comments on the original entry.
lizziec: (MASH - Hawkeye Trapper bromance)
Um. Hi. *waves*

So I've been gone a while and feel I owe you an explanation. Here it is.

Most of you know I've been struggling for the past year with a flare up /relapse of my depression and anxiety. In October, in an effort to help fix me, my gp had me change my meds. In order to start new ones I had to go off the old ones and that messed me up. My flare up got worse and, as usually happens when I'm fucked up mentally I found it difficult to connect with, well, anything - books, TV, writing and especially people.

Because I find connecting so spoons depleting, I tend to cut it down to a minimum, talking to only 2 or 3 people on a regular basis because that's all I can cope with.

Things are a bit better. I'm finding connecting a bit less hard. It's not exactly easy yet, but this post is me trying.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm sorry I've ignored communications from those who have tried to raise me. To use the old cliche, it's not you, it's me. I just couldn't (and still can rarely) put my self together enough to properly communicate with more than a very few. I'm going to try harder from now and I'm incredibly sorry if I've upset any of you. I never intended to.

Please don't feel you have to reply to this. It's not a cry for help or pity. It's just me attempting to explain why I've been such a flake in the last four months.

Grief

10 July 2010 03:07 pm
lizziec: (Stargate SG1 Jack O'Neill (two l's ;)))
Grief is a funny thing. I thought I knew what it had to offer, having been through it once when my dad died, but either I have forgotten or I experienced it in a different way, being, as I was, a child. I think it's probably a combination of the two. It's 19 years this Christmas since daddy died, so it's been a long time, and I'm (obviously) older now, though apparently not so old that being completely parentless doesn't feel extremely premature. I feel much too young for all this.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm doing ok. I'm even managing to enjoy stuff, and I'm not in a depressed puddle on the floor, a situation which I hope continues because it's only this year I've really felt on top of my depression and I don't need to go back to the beginning. Or even to the middle.

Then something will slap me around the face and I will cry and howl like my heart is breaking. It's not triggered by those still several times a day "oh I'll just call mum and say..." thoughts, which always complete before I remember that I can't and won't ever again. They're becoming like a routine part of my day, but still give me a little jolt everytime.

It isn't even triggered by sorting out her affairs (by the way, the Letters of Administration arrived yesterday, so I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel on that one). It's usually triggered by something that completely blindsides me, like her teapot, or a song that makes me think of her.

It's annoying because I'll be bobbing along ok and then whatever that trigger happens to be will hit me and I'll be a wreck for the rest of the day.

On a not entirely unrelated note, I went to see my GP this week to get some more pills, and finished the appointment wondering if I was really doing as well as I thought I was. She said I looked weary and asked what had been happening since I last saw her in the middle of March. So I told her. Really, everything has happened since then - mum's diagnosis, her illness, her death, her funeral, her house sorting. I told her what had happened. Then she asked for more details so I told her. Then she asked about the end and I recounted the last week and then the last 24 hours of mum's life, and I cried. I was booked in for a 10 minute appointment, and she was running half an hour late when she got to me, but she still spent 20 mins with me, and then booked me in for a one off appointment with my old psychiatric nurse, Nikki.

I saw her at 3:30 on Thursday and was good for absolutely nothing the rest of the day. She spent an hour with me, during which I cried pretty much constantly. I had Edexcel work to do that evening and ended up abandoning it. I was as low as I've been in a while, which I think is just related to the hour I'd spent crying. She arranged to see me again in a couple of weeks to make sure I'm still "ok".

Honestly, until I saw my GP and psychiatric nurse, I didn't realise I still had so many emotions left to with this, or so many tears to cry, and I'm not sure where it all came from. I don't think they're all back in the bottle though. And I'm wondering if I'm really doing ok, or whether I'm just glossing over it all, which then leads to me crying for an hour at someone.

Stupid grief and its non-standard, non-linear path.

Grief

10 July 2010 03:07 pm
lizziec: (Stargate SG1 Jack O'Neill (two l's ;)))
Grief is a funny thing. I thought I knew what it had to offer, having been through it once when my dad died, but either I have forgotten or I experienced it in a different way, being, as I was, a child. I think it's probably a combination of the two. It's 19 years this Christmas since daddy died, so it's been a long time, and I'm (obviously) older now, though apparently not so old that being completely parentless doesn't feel extremely premature. I feel much too young for all this.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm doing ok. I'm even managing to enjoy stuff, and I'm not in a depressed puddle on the floor, a situation which I hope continues because it's only this year I've really felt on top of my depression and I don't need to go back to the beginning. Or even to the middle.

Then something will slap me around the face and I will cry and howl like my heart is breaking. It's not triggered by those still several times a day "oh I'll just call mum and say..." thoughts, which always complete before I remember that I can't and won't ever again. They're becoming like a routine part of my day, but still give me a little jolt everytime.

It isn't even triggered by sorting out her affairs (by the way, the Letters of Administration arrived yesterday, so I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel on that one). It's usually triggered by something that completely blindsides me, like her teapot, or a song that makes me think of her.

It's annoying because I'll be bobbing along ok and then whatever that trigger happens to be will hit me and I'll be a wreck for the rest of the day.

On a not entirely unrelated note, I went to see my GP this week to get some more pills, and finished the appointment wondering if I was really doing as well as I thought I was. She said I looked weary and asked what had been happening since I last saw her in the middle of March. So I told her. Really, everything has happened since then - mum's diagnosis, her illness, her death, her funeral, her house sorting. I told her what had happened. Then she asked for more details so I told her. Then she asked about the end and I recounted the last week and then the last 24 hours of mum's life, and I cried. I was booked in for a 10 minute appointment, and she was running half an hour late when she got to me, but she still spent 20 mins with me, and then booked me in for a one off appointment with my old psychiatric nurse, Nikki.

I saw her at 3:30 on Thursday and was good for absolutely nothing the rest of the day. She spent an hour with me, during which I cried pretty much constantly. I had Edexcel work to do that evening and ended up abandoning it. I was as low as I've been in a while, which I think is just related to the hour I'd spent crying. She arranged to see me again in a couple of weeks to make sure I'm still "ok".

Honestly, until I saw my GP and psychiatric nurse, I didn't realise I still had so many emotions left to with this, or so many tears to cry, and I'm not sure where it all came from. I don't think they're all back in the bottle though. And I'm wondering if I'm really doing ok, or whether I'm just glossing over it all, which then leads to me crying for an hour at someone.

Stupid grief and its non-standard, non-linear path.
lizziec: (granny's garden bee)
I've been struggling again for a while (thank you to everyone who has put up with it), especially when it comes to i. getting to sleep and ii. staying asleep. That's had a knock on effect with my moods (which had more or less plateaued at less than ideal). The conclusion come to today by Nikki and Dr K was that I was only being partially medicated by the Citalopram, so over the next week I'm being weaned off the Citalopram with a view to starting my new prescriptions - Mirtazapine, which apparently has some stuff in it that makes one drowsy, so I'm to take it at night and it will hopefully help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately "weight gain" is a major side effect. Worried I'll turn into (more of) a whale now! Hopefully though it will medicate me properly and I will stop plateauing and start getting properly well again.

A warning to those of you who have a lot to do with me. The dr told me that while the meds are switching and whatnot I'll probably have a fairly big dip, so I'm going to apologise in advance for anything I say or do while low, and if I don't get out very much in the next few weeks.

Anyone reading have any experiences with Mirtazapine and can tell me about it?
lizziec: (granny's garden bee)
I've been struggling again for a while (thank you to everyone who has put up with it), especially when it comes to i. getting to sleep and ii. staying asleep. That's had a knock on effect with my moods (which had more or less plateaued at less than ideal). The conclusion come to today by Nikki and Dr K was that I was only being partially medicated by the Citalopram, so over the next week I'm being weaned off the Citalopram with a view to starting my new prescriptions - Mirtazapine, which apparently has some stuff in it that makes one drowsy, so I'm to take it at night and it will hopefully help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately "weight gain" is a major side effect. Worried I'll turn into (more of) a whale now! Hopefully though it will medicate me properly and I will stop plateauing and start getting properly well again.

A warning to those of you who have a lot to do with me. The dr told me that while the meds are switching and whatnot I'll probably have a fairly big dip, so I'm going to apologise in advance for anything I say or do while low, and if I don't get out very much in the next few weeks.

Anyone reading have any experiences with Mirtazapine and can tell me about it?

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